melissawilliams

We laugh and play and have soooo much fun!!!  I am going to miss these guys afterwards!

The greatest thing about being a woman is reinventing yourself and playing with fashion and accessories.  I think FAR too many people take themselves waaay too seriously and do not dare to try new things and see themselves as a blank canvas!  It's like choosing paint or your room.  I have seen people stress for WEEKS in choosing a color or their room.  COME ON!!  It's just paint and can easily be painted again if you ind that you don't like it.  That's why I try new styles enjoy being a living blank canvas.  If it doesn't work, you can simply change your clothes.

We should give each other and ourselves a HUGE break and dare to try new things.  It is sooo fun playing dress up for a night!

Lillen was insistant that he should be the one to hang the star....so he did.

I don't care what anybody says!  I had so much fun with this look!!

Had so much fun at his basketball game yesterday!  You know what?  He's really good!

What a surprise to see my ex husband (Paul and Jake's dad) at the same place!  His friend's wife was celebrating her birthday.

Here he is at the Jury Table, checking out the bands with Thomas, Melker and Magnus.

My God,  what a night!!!!
 
Was wonderful having my son Jacob with me today.  He said it was "...kind of boring", but he would "...do it again."  I guess that's pre-teen language for.  It was fun, but the waiting sucked!

People don't really understand how mentally draining it is to work with TV.  It is crazy stimulating, but requires a concentration that I have never seen this up close before.  In fact, it's one thing to work with tv and still another to work live.  I have always focused on singing and not very much on tv because that has not been my choice of career, but not only am I working with tv, but jumping in head first and doing it LIVE.  When I am feeling as though I am failing miserably, I will have to remind myself of that and perhaps, be a little kinder to myself.

I have read so many horrible things about myself on the net and in newspapers the last month or so.  There are the Pro's and the Con's as with any endeavor.  The Con's are that you can feel misunderstood sometimes.  Get your feelings hurt.  Be painted by strangers to be á horrible, ugly, rediculous person, when you know that you're not.  99% of the time I am not bothered by it.  Other times I am more human and it can feel like a weight around my neck.  The Pro's are that you stop caring about what people think more and more and focus on being the present.  I love getting dolled up or stage!  It is an artistic thing which lives in me and says, it is fun and stimulating to re-invent myself!  Why not be somebody new every time? So you stop caring about what people think (because they are bound to hate it anyway) and just do your thing!  So I have fun with clothes and makeup and experiment and go crazy.  I am so boring otherwise in my gym clothes, ponytail and no make-up all week.

Next week, I will be even crazier!!

Home sweet home...

Have slept a little, but feel like I have been up a really long time.  Last night was intense to say the least.

The jury was supposed to meet at 12, but I was 15 minutes late, Thomas a little later and Magnus was even later than that.  Poor guy!!!  He is just now kicking off his tour and had a gig with Barbados the night before last.  He is  working his butt off, but still manages to meet us with a smile, a warm hug and an enormously funny sense of humor.  I love him exponentially more every time I see him and even noticed last week that I thought of him and missed him.  There are few people of his calibre in the world.

We listened to sound check and liked what we heard for the most part.

Mannerz - First of all, this is a band to keep your eyes open for.  The were first up at rep and I was immediately impressed.  They have this gorgeous singer/bass player with skin that glows and a very sharp mind.  He came up to us and introduced himself.  Love that.  He explained why they had taken in a ghost bass player on the second song.  He didn't want to hide behind his instrument, but rather wanted to communicate the lyrics.  I was impressed and told him that that was a smart move.  Unfortunately, his eyes on the close up did not match the depth of the text or the routine of his performance.  It is the "X-factor" that is impossible to teach, but rather can just be exercised until it is there.  We took some time and spoke afterwards over a beer.  This guy is going places.  Why do I say this?  Because he is an intelligent, humble, teachable , willing spirit and you can't stop people like that. 

Carina Jaarneks  -  This woman on her worst day can kick anyone's ass, but on a good day, with love and support and encouragement, this woman is a force to be reckoned with!!  If I am a person who looks tough on the outside, but is soft and sensitive on the inside, Kina is soft and sweet on the outside and tough as nails on the inside.  She is a lioness, this woman!  Her band was without a doubt, the very best that has stepped foot on that stage, this year or last!

Spootlajtz - A truly great group of guys who are talented and have the same goal as I do: To renew and breathe new and alternative life into dansband.  We have different ideas on how to achieve that and that is wonderful because no one person or ideal is the "right" one.  We should be working together, but for GOD'S SAKE, make the friggin song danceable!!  It's the same thing I said to Black Ingvars.  Do not waste 2 minutes of the viewer's time with music that isn't danceable.  They got another 2 minutes to make the mistake even worse at the cost of Carina Jaarnek which was the MACK DADDY of injustices!!  Unbelievable!!  I threw my notes out the window and my frustration poured out like a geiser!  As far as their clothes goes, who cares really what I think about that??  People think I have terrible taste in clothes and they are probably right, but there is just something in me that screams when you are onstage, you have no business looking like everybody else.  Your body and image can be created and tsle on new dimensions every performance.  I see myself as a blank canvas and love to recreate myself for every gig.  You don't have to like it, but at least it is interesting and you can tell me apart from the rest of the people at Ikea.  But really, I don't care so much about how they want to dress, but the act was all in all entertaining, but impractical.

Torgny Melins - I'm frightened to say it, but they are growing on me more and more from week to week.  They have, at the end of the day, a fundemental respect for what they do and the people they do it for.  You will never be able to accuse them for being disrespectful towards the hands that feed them and I take my hat off to that!  It's not my style of music.  Would rather hear a guitar solo once in a while instead of that doggone saxophone everytime (thought I am not dissing saxophones).  No matter what you say, they always come up to you after the gig and give you an honest hug (maybe lots of them) and a sincere, professional approach.  That deserves respect.  That is what is called charactor.

Titanix - What can I say?  The right band.  The right outcome.  The right people.  I hope blessings and triple gage falls on them like rain.  I am prouder than their own mothers and a tiger is emerging from Maria that I didn't know existed.  I knew she was good.  I knew she was humble and warm and kind and talented and a good mother and team player.  I did not know that there was a tiger inside her waiting to pounce.  It is a joy watching this tigress stake out her territory and claim it as her own.  Very exciting!!

The saddest thing besides Kina's inexplicable defeat, was the fact that the evening papers focus more on a flip, sarcastic comment from me, rather than showcasing Titanix and their winning!  It doesn't make any sense to put that focus on me when it should be on the bands, especially the winning bands.  Nanne Grönwall, the Diva/Jewel that she is, GAVE Maria her dress after Maria complimented her on it.  That is a real star for you!  All of the great stars, when they are complimented on something they have on them, give the item away.  I was so impressed and warmed by her gesture.  Why wasn't that in the papers?  What about the amazing pictures that were taken of them singing togather at the end of the show?  That deserved attention and a picture in the paper.  I didn't do anything to deserve that space and I am a little embarrased by having taken that amount of space and light from my coleagues, but then again, you never know what the papers feel the need to promote in order to sell papers.  Is really sad that hard work and success isn't sexy enough for newspapers.

Afterwards, I spoke with Spootlajtz.  Seriously, they are classy guys.  I did appreciate the flirt they did with Magnus.  Magnus was embarrassed and hates that sort of thing, but what they did with that was bigger than Magnus's embarrassment.  They flirted in a homosexual way without making a joke out of it, which is very forward-thinking and appreciated in this Oh-so-hetero-world.  I never got the chance to say that, but I am proud of them for doing that.  They too came up to me and hugged me.  Again, charactor.  Class.  Integrity.  It is the most beautiful of attributes.  I hope I meet them again.

After 2 am, Carina, Mannerz and many more hung out by the piano and we sang together and had a really lovely time.

Feels good to be home, though. 

Have been in my hotel room an hour now.  What a night!!  I don't even know where to begin..

First of alll Titanix kicked ass and took names!!  I was thrilled to see them take home the golden star!  They deserved it!  And as far as guest jury members go, Nanne Grönvall is by far the best! I just LOVE her!!  What a wonderul woman, who gets me on so many levels...

..am noticing how tired I am now, so I'll pick this up tomorrow after I have slept a while...

Not much happening.  Have been negotiating with Paul to get him to drink more water, take his vitamins and get some food in him.  Have tried yogurt, but he didn't want it.  The only thing that has worked are blueberry pancakes.  Will have to leave him to his father tonight.  Poor guy.

I thought about surprising him with a Christmas tree today and even bought some lights and decorations, but no one is selling Christmas trees yet....bummer.

His cough is better, though.  No fever.  It's going to be ok.

Found this link on DBK http://www.ciao.se/Dansbandskampen__Recension_53522

Interesting how people see and hear and (more correctly,) what they hear and how they hear it.  I have heard TONS of opinions now, but when I read this one, I wonder if we are even talking about the same show.

She describes the judges:

Juryn:
Magnus Carlsson (tidigare sångare i Babados) - Han är en ganska snäll domare men tycker han inte banden gör ett bra jobb så säger han det.

She was right on about Magnus.

Thomas Deutgen - En känd radiopratare som kan ALLT om dansband. När banden gör om dansbandslåtar kan han ibland ha svårt för det nya eftersom han är så invand i de gamla låtarna. Tycker han inte om banden så säger inte mycket, han tycker nog att har man inget snällt att säga så skall man inte säga nåt alls.

She was right until she got to her last sentence.  Thomas has alot to say and he is pretty critical, especially since there are so many modern bands.  We should maybe print out a transcript for this lady. 


Melissa Williams (sångerska i dansbandet Zlips) - Melissa var med i förra årets Dansbandskampen. Melissa är den mest kritiska domaren och hon säger precis vad hon tycker och jag kan lova att det absolut inte är snälla ord.

This is a really unfair statement, in my opinion.  I see my colleagues up there onstage with eyes of love.  I tell them when they do something right and if they do something wrong  (so that they can go to the next level!!) and I am clear and distinct about what it is. It is important that when you hear something negative,  that you receive something concrete to take with you so that you can grow.  I welcome criticism myself because I personally want to grow and be better at anything I do, but you don't just say something like, "That sucked!" and nothing more.  That has never been my style because it is not constructive and it never will be.  The giant difference between myself and any swede is that I do not "linder i bomull" or pad the truth with a lot of warm and fuzzy words so that you cannot tell the difference between a compliment and constructive criticism.  That is a cultural thing and actually, in my opinion, a good one.  I hate criticism blended with sarcasm and will never be so disrespectful to another person either.  Are swedes so sensitive that they cannot receive constructive criticism in it's kindest, most natural form and must be cleverly concealed in a compliment?  Or maybe the giver of criticism is just too afraid of conflict and has not learned the art of direct, honest, kind communication.

Yes, I said Andreas was sexy onstage...Is that a crime?  I would be happy to hear it and am when I do!

The sad simple truth about being a band or an artist is that your output, charisma and charm is just as important as your musical ability.  Did she hear or even understand when I told a band that they had put in really good "synkoper" in their version?  Did she hear me speak of how a person should communicate a song?  Did she hear me say that text and tempos should be chosen and handeled with tenderness and care?  Does she even listen at all???  If someone is hot, it is only to their advantage and a tiny part of the complete package.

I may be wasting my time in explaining the differences here, but the point I am trying to drive home here is this:  You can decide to not like me for whatever reason, but do yourself what you accuse me of not doing (except I have taped evidence to prove otherwise), be concrete and distinct about what you are dissing.  I want to learn and grow as much as anyone...but for God's sake, do your homework before you throw out half truths! 

10 days ago, Paul threw up and felt terrible.  He got better, and then suddenly got a very nasty cough which has kept him home all week from school.  He has been at his dad's through the worst of it because we thought it was better that whatever infection he had should be in one house instead of two.  I have called every day and heard my poor little guy suffering from lack of sleep and a dry cough that just drove him nuts.  Yesterday, I told Paul to tell his dad that if he wasn't better by thursday, that I would take him to the doctor.

He called early this morning and said Paul should go to the doctor and since the children are folkbokfört here, I met him and his dad at the train while I dropped off Jacob for school.  I looked in Paul's eyes and I knew he would be ok.  We moms just sort of feel that sort of thing, but he sounded really bad.  I bought fresh ginger and lemons for my famous ginger/lemon/green tea with honey (which I swear by), antioxident juice, lactos-free soy yogurt (he is lactos-intolerant) and we went home.

At the doctor's office, they tested him.  There was no bacteria.  She wrote out a prescription for cough medicine and then made this weird statement: "Det verkar som han har fått ett svin-influensa-aktigt influensa."  Did she just say the buzz word NOBODY wants to hear right now regarding their children???  He was to be vaccinated on the 26th!!!  The Swine flu is a viral infection apparently.  I thought it was bacterial.

She made sure to not over-dramatise it, but just said that we should watch his breathing and if it got worse, we should take him to the hospital.  Paul's little brother just got vaccinated and Jacob is getting vaccinated today.  Jacob has been here alone with me which has probably helped him not get infected.  I have to admit that it hurt telling Paul that I thought it was better that he stay at his dad's this week.  Every mother wants to take care of her childen herself when they are sick and thinks they can do it better than anyone else (whether it's true or not).  I even made his favorite chicken and dumplings yesterday and had planned to take it to him today. 

Now he is here with me until tomorrow night.  I fixed him a bed in the living room floor.  He has barely touched his chicken and dumplings, but he drank his vitamins like a good boy.  I want to go in my room and cry.  Why, I don't know, but I guess I have read too many articles in the newspaper and I recognise that reality is not that bad at all for normal, healthy people, but still... just the thought of him really sick or in the hospital or for God's sake worse, just fills my entire body and soul with fear.  A fear and sadness that is greater than what my spirit can take.

Anyway...I will focus on the facts and not my fears.  My son is fine and getting better.  The doctor said that he can even go to school on monday.

He got everything right on his important math test today and he was also chosen to play guitar at his Lucia!  He was rehearsing last night Hur Kan Ett Litet Ljus and then he said, "Mom, I think I'm gonna do a remix of that song with Black Magic Woman.  Wouldn't it sound better with a Santana sound?"  I swear to God, I feel my eyes filling up with tears.  He played it for me and I was beaming with pride! 

That kid is going to really be something one day, if he chooses!

Poor Paul is still at his dad's with a nasty cough and feber.  I have felt quite tired in my body, a little bit feverish, but Lillen and I still made it out to Skärholmen again to buy the coffee table.  It wouldn't fit in my itty, bitty BMW, so we have waited all day for delivery instead.  It still hasn't arrived.

Tomorrow, I am staying home and being lazy in front of the tv.  There are so many viruses and what-not floating around and I really need some energy.  Will make a giant vitamin bomb and hope for the best.  Lillen wass complaining of the same thing today, so it seems as if Jacob is the only one at the top of his game (minus the scratches).

I needed a basic item for my outfit on saturday for DBK.  If you thought I was sparkly before, well... you ain't seen nothin yet! WHEW!!!  I could have staged another breast coup, but I am taking the high road here and letting the glitter take the place it deserves.  I find what I need quickly at H & M and it was only 129:-!!  SWEET!!!!

The other items on my list were fresh fruit and veggies from the torg and you just can't visit Skärholmen without checking out Myrorna (the second hand store for my American readers).  There are 2 Myrornas in sthm that are a must to visit if you like that sort of thing: Skärholmen -because they get in items from all over the world and you never know what you're going to find there, so it is a cool, international potpourri; and Gärdet is the other one.  I like it because they are situated in a pretty nice neighborhood and sometimes you can get designer clothes there very cheap and nice rugs.

Check out the hand-carved squares in the brass.  Lillen was bummed that it wasn't a dining table.  It was big enough...

The picture doesn't do it justice.  The brass is carved and designed by hand and even has the artists name carved on the side "Gony Cava".  I have no idea who he is ór what country this piece is from, but I will do a little research tonight and try to find out.  We'll pick it up tomorrow.  While I was reserving it, the guy asked my name.  I said, "Melissa".  "Oh, like the woman on TV!" he said.  I laughed and said, "yes, that's me."  "No way!! But you look so different on TV!!"  "Of course!!" I said.  " Who goes around every day with stylists and big hair and tons of makeup?? Don't feel bad...my kids don't even recognise me on TV!"  He laughed and said, "Well, you are beautiful here in front of me and beautiful on tv, but you just look diferent!"  He was very funny, this guy.  There was already a songwriter from California who recognised Lillen and then an englishman came up and said he recognised me and told me all about his kids and grandkids and I just had a ball listening to these people!!  I think this was my first experience in sthm with being recognised and in a way, I felt like I was in the U.S. again...not that I would be recognised, but the spontaneous conversation with people you don't already know. That is so commonplace in the states.  I realised today how much I missed it and I was sad that you had to be quasi-famous to experience that here.

Anyway, the table is going to be loved.  Will fit in perfectly with my arabian theme on the altan.  Since the altan is being renovated, I will test it in my living room a while with some glittery indiska candles or something.

YIPPI!!!

Lillen and I checked out MJ's movie today!  It was brilliant and I adored how loving he was, even when he gave correction.

A wonderful surprise was seeing my old Northside School of the Performing Arts School classmate as the lead choreographer  for the show.  After high school, he moved directly to L.A. and I heard rumors that he was there working with Michael and his sister Janet.  It warms your heart to see your old classmates leave school and live the dream they left the school with!!  I was so proud of him!  He seemed so comfortable and secure in his roll and I wish him all of the success in the world.

He must have been devastated by the loss of Michael...

Clothes and accessories by Not The Same

Pic taken for Aftonbladet.  Clothes - Not The Same

Even with stiletto heels, I'm not that much taller than he is.

Amazing jewelry by Åsita and a plum silk top from Coast (NK), trousers by DNY

First of all, my GOODNESS, the time is rushing by!!!  I can't believe that it is already nearly half way over!!!!

...and

...so many surprises and emotions last night...where do I begin?

I should probably begin by saying that all of the bands did a superb job last night!  I was completely convinced that Date would get their star and Highlights and Torgny Melins would go on to the next round.  In my heart, I believed that Titanix deserved to go on to the next round, but Torgny Melins has their fan base and I have become cynical of my Sisters' chances to penetrate the "Förbannade Glass Ceiling".  That is why I stressed to them that when they leave (whatever the outcome), they should do so with their heads held high!  They REALLY did a fantastic job and I was prouder than their own mothers, I'm sure!!

Schytts song choice was refreshing.  Life is more than just sex, drugs and rock-n-roll and Peter is really good at telling a story within a song, but the other bands were so fresh and new, they didn't have a chance.  Their second song was rewritten with swedish text and Peter's fiancé, the renowned song writer Åsa Karlström, did a fantastic job with the text!  It was a shame that you didn't get to hear it.

...and to those who are wondering why Hurtul and Date got to me the way it did, here is the story:

I hadn't seen the clip where Peter talks abo9ut the passing of his mother.  I had seen their soundcheck and heard their songs and I had a general idea of what I would say.  There were positive and negative criticisms, but when I saw the clip and listened to the text, my heart broke into a million pieces because, as you know, my biological father left us before I was born and I met him only the one time, which I am grateful for.  My mother soon after I was born, married a man she had known for a while who had said that he had a dream where God told him that she was to be his wife and I was to be his daughter.  He was a cherokee indian.  They married and he adopted me when I was five.  He was gentle and quiet and unbeknownst to me, handicapped emotionally due to an alcoholic father and traumatised from the Vietnam war.  The marriage disintegrated when I was 7 and my "dad" with all of his baggage, checked out of us emotionally as well.  This was horrible to me because now I had been abandoned by 2 fathers, but I was angrier with "dad" because he knew me and supposedly loved me and when you adopt or CHOOSE a child, how do you just go away like that?  My brother begged or his attention.  I was too proud and have never, then or now, begged for a man's love in all my life and never will.

So we were estranged. When I was around 18, I wrote him a letter and just let him have it!  All of the pent up rage, anger, disappointment and bitterness poured out into the letter.  He called after that and said that he knew he had been a bad father, but then disappeared again.  When I was pregnant with Paul, I remember staring out of the window in the middle of the night and talking to God.  I wept bitterly over the fact that I had no grandfather to give my child, but then went back to bed.  I had a dream that night where God distinctly told me that I was to meet my father where he was emotionally and not get frustrated by his lack of emotional tools. I tell you, THE VERY NEXT DAY, after 6 years of no contact, he called me!  He had been thinking and wanted to be in my life.  A true blue miracle!!  I said I would meet him for dinner and though it was hard, I obeyed the dream and met him where he was emotionally.  He ended up being there or the birth of both of my children and my children had a grandfather!

I moved to Sweden and after about a year, I decided to send a letter to him explaining everything he had done RIGHT in my life!  I thought it was only fair and I wanted to show him that I was appreciative of everything he had done or tried to do.  Maybe 3 months later, I had another dream and God informed me that someone near to me was going to die and that I would not be able to attend the funeral, but that it was ok.  It was not meant to be so.  I had no idea who it would be, but I stayed up all night praying for whoever it would be.

Soon after, I got a call from my mom. My dad at 58 years of age, got a headache that day and since he worked in a hospital, he met a doctor friend of his who checked him out and the headache was a bleeding blood vessel.  He fell quickly in a coma and died peacefully a few hours later.  I was unable to go to the funeral and thanked God that I had the inspiration and wisdom to WRITE DOWN everything he had done right as my dad.

Relationships with our parents are complicated ones.  My dad had only come to one performance in my entire life.  He came to me again in a dream just a year ago.  I was performing here in Sweden and saw him in the audience.  After I had finished, he gave me yellow flowers and said that I was very good.  He looked me in my eyes and said he regreted not having come to more performances while he was alive, but he wanted me to know that he was often at them now.  The dream comforted me so much and it felt good to see him.


Highlights- By far kicked everyone's ass last night.  I have no idea what happened.  I am frankly, speechless.  Andreas och Highlights have it all.  Sometimes I am just completely baffeled!!

Nice article in Aftonbladetn today. 

Expressen didn't even show up yesterday, but called while I was in the pressroom and asked to speak with me. 

I refused to take the call.

That's the impression I'm getting during soundcheck right now. Interesting bands.  Interesting mix.  Am seeing good qualities in acts I thought I wouldn't like and bad qualities in the ones I thought I would love.  All in all, a great show can be expected tonight.

Jake was EXTRA lazy this morning.  He layed around instead of getting ready, I had to stay on him to brush his teeth and he refused to eat breakfast.  The breakfast issue has been a problem since school began.  He is suddenly not hungry in the mornings and after checking with his teacher, I just send him to school with fruit.  His studies aren't suffering, according to his teacher.  My point is, on a good day, he is tough to get motivated, after scraping himself yesterday, he has really milked it for all the attention it's worth.  I've kept my eye on him and have not seen any indication of a concussion, so I planned for him to go to school as usual.

Well, as I said, he was really pouring it on thick this morning and I knew he wanted to get out of going to school.  On the way to school, he started saying that he saw black dots in his eyes and felt like he was going to throw up.  I said, ok then!  We're going to the hospital!!  NOOOO!!! he said.  Of course you are!  You can't have such serious symptoms and not go!.. and  we argued about THAT too.  I decided this would help two situations:  One, I would have my conscience clear and two, he would learn not to exagerate his symptoms unnecessarily.  He paniked from fear that the staff would laugh at him and cried and begged me not to take him there, to let him go to school instead.  No way..we went to the emergency room.

There was some discussion about whether to accept in the first place or not, but eventually, they did.  He may have had a very mild concussion yesterday, but he is fine today.  Surprise!  Afterwards, I took him to the bus, so he could rest at his dad's and told him that I loved him.  I explained how important it was to explain accurately what is happening in his body and life because it can set in motion things you can't always stop.  You can get mad or want to stay home or whatever, but you have to always be honest so we can help him, be there for him and make him feel better if something ever happens. 


Since, I don't over-dramatise things when kids fall or hurt themselves, it is possible that I can miss things.  Like once, He fell on his arm.  It hurt but it just looked he had sprained it.  He even used it, but complained a week later.  I didn't think too much about it.  I have done that 1000 times in my life and wasn't rushed to the hospital, but his dad took him and you guessed it, there was a hairline fracture.  Jake had a cast or a month.  I felt like a big jerk.

Is tough to know 100% of the time what to do with your kids. 

Do not want to cook today, so I am on strike.  Lillen is trying to be creative and whip something up.  He can cook, but just doesn't like to, but today, if he doesn't cook, he won't eat.

Muu ahh ahh ahh aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Got a call from Jake at school today.  He was apparently running to get to his gym class and had a nasty fall.  My little guy is just too pitiul right now.  I think he is milking it a bit in order to stay home from school tomorrow, but it just seems to be surface scrapes.  He'll survive

Am watching this poor woman go through terrible pain and I am wondering WHY they don't give her a local anesthetic or something???  In this day and age, people DO NOT have to suffer with pain for no reason!! 

Everybody does not turn into a drug addict, just because they need a pain medication some time in their lives!

She looks really lovely, though and is VERY brave to be so vulnerable.  She makes me proud to be a woman!

I just happened to check the paper today, while I was out picking out clothes and jewelry with Gorgeous Petra.  (And what lovely things we found!!)  Saw my giant face a little further back, but did not have time to read it. I was so curious about this article because it went so well that I thought, if they twist this meeting into something ugly, I will NEVER give another interview with an evening newspaper again!  But Emily and Magnus mirrored our meeting in an accurate and human way and I made sure to call and thank her for work.  She seemed happy that I called  and said that "when you have such a great meeting with someone, you really want to put the extra effort in to making the piece match the meeting."  Wonderful Emily!

It was a hectic day!  I found 3 more outfits for DBK!  Lovely! Then went out to Rinkeby to pick up the top for DBK finale.  On the way out, the Military Police were all over the place and I was terrified!  I think they were just doing a drill directing traffic, but you can imagine how frightening it would be to see 40 MP's looking scary!  Melker from DBK called to see how I was and to book a meeting with me. 

The kid's dad met me on the side of the road to give a present to Paul.  It is my darling, frist born's birthday today!!!  He is 13 and has been a jewel since he was born!  Almost, too easy to raise (am very superstitious sometimes).  He is never in trouble, gorgeous and funny, responsible and thoughtful, make good grades, is musical and draws like a genius!  If he could keep up with his things (has lost 2 mp3 players, 6 telephones, 3 million pairs of gloves, scarves and hats, his little brother, numerous backpacks and too many pairs of eye glasses) he'd be baby Jesus.  At least something makes him human!

So I am off to cook a persian dinner for my men.

My mom used to say that when you think everyone around you is crazy, it's probably you that's crazy.

I don't feel like having a beer with my colleagues.  I don't feel like smiling.  I feel like just throwing my hands up in the air and just admitting, "Yep, it must be me that's crazy!"

I buy that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Don't even need to be, but I swear to God, I wish I knew where that glass ceiling is that all of my sisters and myself keep ramming our heads on?!

It's there!  I've got the bruises to prove it.  My sisters just got the hell beat out of them tonight and I can only shake my head and comfort them, though it doesn't make the injustice any easier to bear!  If a band deserved to go on to next week, it was Sweetshots! 

I am in utter disbelief!

There comes a time when you are just so disappointed that you can't even get mad anymore.

I rescheduled my shopping adventure with Gorgeous Petra.

Have done absolutely nothing today.  Do not even WANT to do anything today.  Have one chance to get my nails done before saturday's gig and that is tonight.  Otherwise, Paul is coming, so I will get the hug I have waited for all day.

Was planning to take the kids to get the swineflu shot.  They just became available at our health center, but the line wrapped around the corner!!!  It was crazy!!  The schools are offering it now.  I'll let them get it done there next week instead.

Jacob was a chatterbox in the car today.  Zlips's cd was in the car already when I picked him up.  The end of My Love came after the bridge "...and I WILL...(wail, wail) STAND TALL TO GET BY...  I was moved by the lyrics, in yet again, a new way, in a new context and I teared up listening to myself.  Jacob started imitating me with all of the passion and facial expressions that go along with the text and tones and since he looks just like me, it was funny as hell watching Mini-Me lipsynch to my voice.  I cracked up through my tears (which is the most wonderful of all laughs, laughing through tears).  Such a weird, surreal moment.  I said to him in a joking way and trying to lighten up the moment, "Sometimes, baby, your mommy sings so well she makes herself cry!" He broke his joking mood directly and said to me, "No, mom, you never cry because you are good.  You always cry because you love the lyrics."  How is it that children can see with so much clearer eyes than adults?  If anyone knows me, it is my children.

I'm starting to really miss being on tour now, though I am loving my new temporary gig.  If I dared to look a little deeper, I would probably see that what I am missing partly right now is KNOWING my job and feeling SECURE in my abilities. (but I simply don't have the energy to be insightful right now) I am in new territory.  Territory that I didn't look for, but rather kind of knocked on my door.  Nonetheless, I want to do my job to the best of my ability with integrity and honesty.  Would be fun to find out that I could do it well as well.  We'll see.


Will meet the Queen Bee Stylist (Gorgeous Petra)for DBK tomorrow at the dreaded NK again.  She is the only fun thing about shopping.  I swear to God, I will have to pay her to hang out with me LOOOOOONG after the show is over.  We laugh like crazy together.  A funny story with her:

We met in town one day and drove out to Rinkeby to buy an outfit.  She had never been to Rinkeby.  I love to go there, because you can buy things there that you can't find at other places and the food is diverse and cheap to buy.  We were maybe there 10 minutes too early and she said, "Why not a cup of coffee?"  Sure, I said.  I took a quick glance in the only café there and saw it packed with men and no women.  Since I have traveled quite a bit to muslim countries, I know the unwritten rule that those places are for men.  I said, No, I don't thing that's such a good idea.  We can wait a minute and get one inside the centrum. "Why?" she asked.  I explain the unwritten rule.  She said, "Hello, Melissa!!  This is Sweden and we can go in there if we want to.!" Of course, you're right, I said, but have you traveled to muslim countries?  There are many muslims here and you just sort of automatically fall into the patterns of the culture you left.  We can, of course, go in there, but that doesn't mean we will be comfortable.  She said, "Come on, Melissa!  This is Sweden!"  I just laughed and said, Of course you're right.  Let's go in then! 

We went in and all off the men were quiet and just stared at us.  At least I looked like them.  She was the only blond, so she REALLY stuck out like a sore thumb.  She ordered the coffee and said, "We'll take it To Go!"  I laughed hard then!!  She said, "Wow, now I know what you mean...oj, va fel det blev!" I just laughed and laughed and wiped away tears from laughing and took our coffees into the centrum to the shop were were supposed to visit.  Was a really funny situation!!!

Spent the day trying to find clothes for DBK.  I have 3 -5 shows left to fix a wardrobe for and it is just not any fun at all.  Everything is purple (which I love, but DAMN, give a girl another color!!).  Lillen and I went round and round and friggin round NK for what seemed like an eternity until I just screamed ENOUGH and we stopped at a café and ate.  I checked the clock.  We had not even been there 2 hours.  Found some nice stuff, though, one of which is...you guessed it, purple.

Before that though, I managed to get a new antibiotic, so this hangy, yucky feeling (that is not the least bit debilitating so that I would just stay home and rest, but crappy enough to make whatever you are doing feel hard) should finally go away.  Was not really comfortable with the thought of an antibiotic not working, though.  Am afraid of building a tolerance.  Whatever, I should be back to my bitchy self by saturday.;-)

The latest debate:

Paul had a parent/teacher/student meeting today.  It was booked to last 2 1/2 hours.  2 1/2 HOURS????  WHYYYYYYY?????  I wondered.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, care about their education, want to be involved, but I usually end up just getting annoyed with the other parents who can be bigger crybabies than the kids sometimes. 

For example, once I went to a meeting at Paul's old school.  Their class got so big that they were forced to divide it into subgroups so that the student/teacher ratio would be lower.  In my world, that is a good thing.  Most of the kids had had the exact same group and friends since they were 6 yrs old.  They would still meet up at gym, breaks and lunch, but during studytime, they would be separated.  Who cares?? I thought.  But 2 moms just went ballistic and insisted that the groups be exactly the same no matter the ratio because they wanted their kids to not have to build new relationships with other kids.  The meeting got so out of control that it took 2 additional negotiations to sort it out.  I just scratched my head and wondered why this had blown up like it had?  Won't their kids just learn more social competance that way?  Don't the parents care more about how active their kids are with the teachers instead of their friends?  When I was their age, we had new friends, new teachers every year, sometimes every term.  So anyway, this left a very bad taste in my mouth and I left the meeting thinking that I want my kids away from these students because their parents were idiots.  There must be something I lost in translation, so I didn't say anything for fear I had missed some piece of the puzzle that would make my opinion seem rediculous, but I did speak with the teacher and told him I felt sorry for them because the students were nice, but the parents were childish idiots and what the heck did I miss in translation?  "Nothing," he said.  "We could have used your support.  It was awful," he said.

That meeting had only lasted an hour.  What damage would be done in 2 1/2???

Paul and I show up.  His dad joins us.  We get fika.  The 13 year old girl could not figure out the change I should have gotten back.  Fika costed 32:-, I gave her 50:-...was disturbing to say the least.  In the end, I gave up and said just give me 15:- and we're cool.  Geez...

The meeting went well.  We got to know everyone.  Had workshops to get to know students, as well as teachers (really good).  The teacher introduced himself and said, "Oh yes, I saw you in DN."  I replied jokingly, "Only believe half of what you read."  He laughed.  We moved on.

The meeting continued to be fruitful and interesting, but one question came up which intrigued me.  The question was, Should one have weekly allowance (veckopeng) or a monthly one (månadspeng)?    Everyone agreed that it didn't make a difference.  I got confused and raised my hand:

"Excuse me.  I have a question about this topic and I would like to know how this works.  I might think differently due to cultural reasons or it could be the fact that I have never gotten a kronor in my entire life that I haven't worked for, but my kids do certain jobs around the house just because they are a part of a family and because everyone in it has a responsibility.  If my kids have something they would like to buy or have, I make separate jobs available to them so that they can EARN money towards what they want.  For example, they take out the trash and help clean the house because they HAVE a house and food and that just needs to happen.  They get nothing except that as payment, but if they want money, they come to me and ask, "Mom, are there any jobs that need to be done?  I would like to buy a game for my Playstation."  How much is the game? I ask.  "200:-". OK.  Go outside and rake the leaves  and clean the shower.  And he does it and gets 200:-.  We don't GIVE any money for nothing because that is not how the world works in reality.

There are puzzled expresions on their faces.  There is mumbling.  A father speaks up, "To answer your question, YES, it is cultural.  Since the 50's children have received money to spend discretionarily and without any demands or work to be done (don't know that I am translating this fairly, but he said "utan prestationskrav på sig").  All swedish children receive that.  I felt like an idiot and wondered if my poor kid felt left out, but this is an issue that I refuse to budge on.  (I thought to myself) Maybe you get free money here in Sweden, but it didn't work like that in my old neighborhood!  For God's sake, I can't remember getting clothes that weren't hand-me-downs until I got my first job at 13 and bought them myself (side note... I even put my new school clothes on lay-away where you pay on them like 3 months and when you have paid for them, you take them home.  This was before the credit card craze.  When I finally got them out, I realised that I had left my house key in the store dressing room.  I shoved the bag of new school clothes under the car and ran in to get the keys.  When I got back like 2 minutes later, someone had stolen my new school clothes and my mother didn't have any money to buy me more.  I just started school in my old clothes instead.  Was a tough lesson.  It hurts even now, thinking about it)!!!

So anyway, we  finished the long meeting and yes, my butt had fallen alseep in the terrible wooden chair.  On the way out, a woman came to me and said, " But of COURSE we shouldn't just give kids money!!  When I get home, I am informing my kids that there is no more månadspeng!!  They're going to have to WORK for it!  That is REAL LIFE!  It's so OBVIOUS!"

I was thrilled to get an Amen from a swede on this and I got new confidence and said, How else will our kids learn a work ethic if it doesn't start at home?  "SJÄLVKLART! (obviously)" she said.

Would love to be a fly on the wall at some of these parent's houses tonight.  Hope my poor son doesn't get harrassed at school by all of his angry friends who now have to work for their money.HAHA!!

The alarm went off at 8am and it felt like I had only been alseep for 2 hours.  I can't remember the last time it hurt so bad to get up.  I booked an interview with Aftonbladet at Globen for 10am and wondered what the hell I was thinking when I did that.  I reset the alarm for 9am, cutting it close, but I had showered the night before and knew I could fake a hairstyle and slap on enough warpaint to get me through it in 20 minutes.  My eyes closed again and an sms came.  Paul was left at his dad's house.  He tried to go to school, but ended up throwing up on the train and just went home instead.  Ok...good to know, will call him when I wake up.  Close my eyes again, the phone rings...I'm realising that, NOOOO, I WILL be getting up after all!  It's Paul.  "Mom, I'm sick...!" So I comfort him and try to climb out of bed and get going.

I pride myself on being on time and respecting other's time, so I drove like a demon to Globen, parked illegally without even looking for an automat (verry Carola, va?) and walked in to the galleria.  I thought we were to meet outside the Coffeehouse, but 10:05 came and went and I called Lillen to check my mail for the journalist's number.  While waiting, I see Hasse Aro get up from a table at the cafe and he stared at me long and hard, maybe he recognised me, maybe he thought I was Efterlyst (bad joke, sorry...jokes are not my thing).  While Lillen looked through my email for her number, the journalist called me instead.  It was apparently by the pharmacy we were supposed to meet. I met them half way and we just ended up going to the same coffeshop I had been standing by all along.

We found a table upstairs with a bit pf privacy.  I asked what her angle was for the artical and what she wanted to know.  She said it was a profile to say a little bit about who I was.  She asked the standard question: Where are you from? etc...  and I wondered why some journalists do not do their homework.  All that was already on Zlip's website.  I took her questions and answered in a very frank and vulnerable way, sort of challengng her to not do a 2 dimensional story.  I have never done that before, but for some reason, I pushed her to go deeper.

Those who meet me for the first time on tv, see a woman with glittery clothes and an intense look in her eyes and sometimes, an unapologetic laugh. Perhaps not the warmest impression, I don't know.  But if you see strength in my eyes, there is a story behind it.  Many, many stories and one day, in my own time, I will tell them.  I shared a portion today and that will be printed sometime this week.  I hope she will make it honest and provocative, because in all honesty, it was.  We 3 bonded quickly and intensely.  Was a strange feeling.  She shook my hand goodbye and I hugged her instead.  The photographer stayed with me and took more pictures and when he was done, I stuck out my hand to shake his and he hugged me instead. 

Was really quite special.

Good thing I slept so much this week because I woke up at 5am yesterday and 6am today.  Frustrating!  Especially when I had a warm room.

We were told to meet up at Strängnäs at 11:30 and I was 15 minutes early and checked into my hotel.  I never ate breakfast at home so I made 2 sandwiches, just to find out 5 minutes later that there was a lunch meeting at 12.  OOPS!

Magnus strolled in right after me in his cool glasses.  He's very cute in glasses!  Thomas was late due to his train, so we started the meeting without him.  Melker (the producer in charge of us) gave us the updates on what changes were made since last week.  Soon Thomas joined us and we were all up to speed.

We went directly down to our Jury-spots, laptops sprung up everywhere.  We started jotting down notes and I noticed that I wrote down alot less than my first week.  I'm learning how to be more concise;-)  The quality of the bands were much better and I got excited about the possibilties of the program!  I just knew the audience would love them all!

Then up to makeup, down to the "glasbur" which was covered this time with black paper.  Much better!!  I felt like a monkey in a zoo with everyone staring at us while we were formulating our thoughts last week.  We ate dinner while working (fried white fish, rice, salad and bread...a little like what you eat in school, but I don't mind).  Thomas, the grumpy old man that he is, complained last week about the hotel (he had a point..it was cold as hell) and now he didn't want to eat fish and Magnus didn't want it either.  I just laughed to myself and was silently thankful that I didn't have that many food hangups and rarely complain about anything.  Just keep falukorv and pölse away from me and I'm good.

Thomas and Magnus make me laugh all the time and they are really coming in deeper in my heart.  Thomas is complicated and quirky and I love unique people, but Magnus is just so genuinely sweet and warm and funny that I can't help seeing him with soft, loving eyes. What a guy!  They ended up ordering McDonalds from a friend of Thomas's who was on their way in. So their dinner was saved by a Big Mac.

Suddenly, Anneli Rydé came in and said hello!  So unbelievably unpretentious and natural.  I liked her directly and she remembered me from the Guldklav awards from last summer (which surprised me). She was so down to earth and funny that my face hurt from smiling when she left! 

Måns Z came in.  Was pleasant and cute, but we really didn't speak...was the same with Ledin last week.

So it was back to makeup, rush to live webTV, onstage and the show began!  This time it went by even faster and I felt much more relaxed than last time.  The new tempo helped alot!

The right bands won again last night, which just goes to show that the audience is not stupid and can be relied on to recognise talent.  I really thought Date would get another star and Zekes would go on, but the opposite worked for me too.  At the end of the Show, Peter from Date asked me to dance and I was sooo flattered and pleased!  I started to take off my microphone and then Peter Settman said, "Stay put!  It's not the end of the show yet." Oh, I said!  But he asked me to dance. "OOOH! Peter said, go up and dance then" and he quickly followed suit.

There was the usual press afterwards and then I headed back to the hotel.  I had to get something from my car and Magnus (the singer in Black Ingvars) generously offered to walk me to my car.  We talked about our children all the way and I heard all about his 14 year old twin boys, plus a younger son.  He spoke so proudly of them and their different personalties and I was warm inside hearing a man speak so lovingly of his family.

A quick phone call to Lillen, an even quicker bath and 2 not so quick beers later, I was snoring in lala-land in no time.  Maybe I can get in a little more rest before breakfast and the hour long drive home.