melissawilliams

Viewers will NOT be disappointed tonight!  Am enjoying genrep like crazy with my adorable colleagues.  Fantastic with new talent and new energy!

The feeling in the building is already electric!  TJOOHOO!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_V-GI2BQss&feature=related

Tack Lars!!!!

Computers, I mean.  I had scary messages all over the place and the screen went black and I got really nervous!  Why do I get so crippled when I don't have access to internet?  It's rediculous, really.  I hardly get any mail in the first place and the ones who do send me mail can call me anyway.  Lillen has worked hard and fixed it...I think.  Seems to be cool now, anyway.

This week, the kids have had sportlov and have been home with me.  We have had some fun playing Scrabble and hanging out.  I haven't had the energy to go out very much.  The day after DBK, I went to the Dr. feeling like there was an infection in my body and there was, but the antibiotics are not working as quickly as they usually do, so I am more tired than usual.  I went to bed last night at kl. 19:30 and woke up again at 8am.  Then I took a nap between 10:30 and 12.  Even now, I am tired.

There was a short meeting today with Baluba and now I will continue with my homework for tomorrow.  Is very exciting with three, young, new bands to listen to tomorrow!

My bag is now 90% packed and I am enjoying in the quiet.  Nobody in my house is quiet.  There is just this italian-like energy and noise and I love it because there is USUALLY balance with a little quiet early in the day, but this week it was just noisy. WHEW!

This sucks!  Lillen says he can fix it and I certainly hope so! Things should just work!

 

Am borrowing his in the meantime.

I turned on the radio just in time today to hear my date with Pär.  I had never heard of the program before I did it, but was really fun!  He is crazy funny!

Otherwise, I realised that I only received 1 picture of each of my Osama Bin Barnen. (How can a photographer take a picture of 2 beautiful children and make them look scary??)  The price  was steep, I thought. 150:- for 4 pictures.  I only found one picture each of the boys and called the shop asking about the others.  The embassy requires 2 pics each.  They said that the American passport pictures have a specific dimension and I have to pay an additional 100:- each for each additional print.  So 500:- later I have enough psycho pics of my gorgeous children to get a passport.  I'm thinking that I'll take them with me tomorrow, but now I apparently need their American person numbers and I swear to God, I can barely keep up with their swedish.  You have to take them in person too.  And what do you do if you have lost their American social security cards?  You order them from Oslo.  OF COURSE!!!

So there won't be any trip to the embassy tomorrow.  The only fun thing about being there anyway is speaking english.

Dropped Lillen off at Viking Line.  Hated leaving him.  We have had a lovely time together the last few days.

The kids are cleaning ther room.  They seem to have outgrown everything over the summer.  Their clothes, their room, our car...everything!

Paul just came to me out of the blue and in his new 13 year old manly voice said, "Mom, so you know, I really love you."  I hugged him so hard and just pretended he was the baby I held in my arms a long time ago.  When we released each other, I saw him,  in a very manly way, wipe a tear from his eye and pretend that he just scratched his eye. 

My babies are growing up, aren't they??

After a very tough morning trying to wake up, I made the usual breakast (eggs, bacon and my beloved tomotoes with lemon-pepper). Paul came here yesterday and Jacob was on his way.  We met up at the galleria and stood in line at the picture-taking place and the guy took my kids behind a wall and took their picture.  I waited outside and tried to figure out how a picture taken of me at a private party at my home ended up in a gossip magazine and then the kids came back with their pictures.  You wouldn't believe it if I told you, but even my beautiful children who always take a good picture, came back with photos and I swear to God they looked like little terrorists,  Jacob had, like, one eye half way open and Bart Simpson hair and poor, sweet Paul looked like he just got 5-10 in the state penn for armed robbery or something!  I had no idea these gorgeous kids could look like hardened criminals!  The worse they have ever done is lose a mobile phone or buy candy instead of coming home on time.  I tried to take a photo with my phone so you could see, but the camera on my phone was too crappy and they never came out, but trust me....those gorgeous boys looked crazy!  So now I have to take "Osama Bin Barnen" down to the embassy tomorrow and try to get a new passport for them, so we can spend Christmas in Egypt as planned.  Then, another day of lines at the visa office so we can renew their residence visas. A whole lotta friggen lines!

I went to the solarium and hung out for 20 minutes. Lillen usually likes to go at the same time, but the last time he went, he got so red that I gave him Solarium-förbjud, so this time he just sat on the floor and talked shit with me while I laid there.  When I got out, I checked myself in the mirror and then gave myself Solarium-förbjud!!!  He looks like a lobster.  I look like an african.  It's time to stop the madness! 

My girlfriend called and was nearby, so I picked her up and she was just what I needed!  We talked clothes and salad and the ph level in our vaginas and everything you usually discuss with your girlfriends.  Was just what the Dr. ordered.  I had paid bills and discussed our economy with Lillen earlier and that crap is a buzz-killer if anything and along with the friggin picture in the magazine and my terrorist-kids, I was on my way to a bad mood and she just soothed me like a good jazz record.  Sometimes a girl just needs some girl-time!  Am I right ladies???  Hallah!!

Lillen left for his gig and I dropped my girl off at the train.  The kids and I played Scrabble (or Alfapet) until they got so tired that they took themselves to bed, but before that we had a family meeting...

Before "we" took this job on DBK, we discussed the pros and cons.  The kids being kids could not understand the concept of "bad press" and I knew it went over their heads.  Right now they are on their fall break, but I wanted to prepare them and have an open dialogue because they could go back to school and maybe no one would mention a thing...  Or they could go back to school and potentially get teased.  I don't believe so, but personally, I like to be too prepared than not prepared at all, so I wanted tell them how it went on the show and how much fun I had.  Then I diplomatically asked them if they thought I was any different from other swedish moms. OH YEAH!!  They said this almost in unison.  "How?"I asked and the dialogue just flowed..

"Well first of all, you wear a hot pink jogging suit at the mall!  Nobody else's mom would do that!" Ok, I say(and smile).  What else?  "You are adventurous!  If we go to Gröna Lund, you ride the roller coasters with us.  Swedish moms would just watch on the sidelines."  I laugh at loud. "Oh really??" I say?  "No WAY!" (Kids are so funny!) " You always try new things and are curious!" (Kids never say what you think they will say and I am eternally charmed by their insight.)  "I try to answer them..."Sometimes, adults make choices in life.  the best choices they know how to make with the knowledge they have acquired up to that point in life and sometimes, those choices can affect the innocent people around them, whether they meant to or not.  I chose to try to work with what makes me happy.  Music and art.  And somehow, God has provided opportunities for me to do that AND be a mom at the same time.  If I leave you with anything, I want you find out what makes you happy and try to make a living at it.  Then you will never be bored and always have peace in your heart.  But know that there are times in your life that you will have to take crap jobs, just to survive and you need that charactor, but always have a vision!!  I have made choices that have affected you.  We have moved here.  Your father and I have divorced.  I have worked as a singer and now I am on tv.  You have not made those choices, but you have paid a price anyway and that really sucks!  I know how it is to have grown ups making choices FOR you without asking you what you think or having any power over the situation.  I know that feeling and it SUCKS!! It is and seems unfair, but the bottom line is that I am doing my best to balance it all and no matter what, YOU GUYS come first!  I travel alot, but I am home more than others.  I have made choices to have public jobs, but I promise to do everything in my power to protect you, so you have to promise me that if anyone says something mean to you or if you have a problem because of my choice to have a public job, that you tell me directly!  I love you and our family is first."

It was a great family meeting.  Then we brought out the maps of North Africa and started discussing what we would see when we were in Egypt.  My children love to travel.  They would give up every toy they had to visit a new culture.  For 2 years, the only thing they have asked for for Christmas or their birthday was to see the pyramids and the mummies, so Lillen and I discussed it and have saved for a long time and now we are spending Christmas there as a family.  The kids have forgone 2 years of presents for just this trip and  I am so proud that they want experiences and not "things" (if you know what I mean).  So tonight we looked at maps and pics of the hotel and I have described the food and promised one night of "room service food", just because they have heard about it and wonder what "room service" is all about. 

Somehow during Scrabble (Alfapet), the kids asked how my friend could be so young and be a grandmother.  I told them her age (40-something) and they were astonished that someone could be a grandmother so young and astonished that she could be 40-something in the first place.  Then they started speaking swedish to each other and I heard Jacob say to Paul that you could be könsmogen at 15 or 16 and I had a mild heart attack hearing my 10 (almost 11) year old say "könsmogen" in the first place.  I tried to keep my cool and be scientific with the whole thing and tell them that boys are "könsmogen" a little later than girls and that girls can be "könsmogen" as early as 9 or 10 and that I was 12 when it happened.  I had heart palpitations, but I seemed cool...I think.

Then as we are playing the game, Jacob asks, "Mom, how do you spell Queer?" (It was American english Scrabble...seemed educational, right??)  Uh...Q.U.E.E.R..., do you know what that means?  "No, but  heard on a show on TV..'I'm here and I'm Queer'."  (I laughed like hell! ) Well, darling, is it really good to use words so freely when you don't even know what they mean? "Uh...I don't know" he says.  I smile and tell him that maybe 50 years ago, the word meant unusual, odd, unique, egen...now there is a new definition,especially in that context..It means that you are gay and that people just need to deal with it!  His eyes got big and he said, "OOOOOOH!...okej...uh....I don't have enough 'E's' for that!"

I swear...I love my children!!!!

Today's mission is getting passports for the kids.  Think they expired recently.  Wish I could keep their old ones.  They look so cute!

Yesterday's goal was accomplished.  New shoes for Paul. Indoor and outdoor. 

He turns 13 on November 10th and guess what size shoes we had to buy: 45!! OH.MY.GOD!!! He will be tall, no question about it.

Otherwise a very quiet day today.  No interviews for anybody about anything.  Nice!

 

Just saw a thread on some underground discussion board that discusses, you guessed it: my boobs.  There are apparently more than a couple of morons who are looking for pics, homemade sex videos...you name it!  Unbelievable!!!

Reminds me of the show on Seinfeld with Terri Hatcher where the whole show was a quest to find out if her boobs were real or not.  The show ends with her storming out of Seinfeld's apartment.  She stops at the door on the way out and says, "...and by the way. They are REAL and they are SPECTACULAR!!!!

Nuff said.

I have 2 interviews today, both just about 10 minutes long.  Lillen is watching the program with earphones in his ears and in the quiet, he suddenly laughs loud and smiles at me.  He's so cute in his bathrobe!

My darlings are coming home today!!  It is höstlov so I will have some quality time them this week. 

Think I'll take Paul with me next saturday.

When I moved here from the U.S. 10 years ago, I was shocked to run in to many americans and englishmen who refused to or hadn't even bothered to learn swedish, despite living here 10, 20 even 30 years.  Most of them understood everything that was said to them, but they always answered in english.  I found this to be hyprocritical and disrespectful.  Had the shoe been on the other foot, (a swede refusing to answer a person in english in America) the swede would have been harshly dissed and challenged to go back to where they came from.

I made a vow to not be that way and I studied SFI like all of the other immigrants and loved every second of it.  I figured it was better to sound like a 5 year old and be respectful to the country I loved living in, than than to sound like the educated person I am in english and disrespect the swedes I had grown to love.

So I have simply done my best.  I get around ok and rarely find myself in a situation where people do not understand what I am trying to say.  Now suddenly, I am apparently a just babbling idiot.  Would I gain more respect by answering everything in english a la Simon on Design: Simon och Tomas? 

I can slow my speech down.  Try to articulate better.  No question that I can help the situation in that way, but the accent is here to stay, ladies and gentlemen!  Would actually be very nice to just speak english all the time and let everyone else accomodate me.  What a luxury that would be!! ...but in my opinion, a disrespectful luxury.

My heart has never been to disrespect the swedish language.  In fact, the opposite is the case.

You'd think it would hurt to see a giant picture of yourself in the paper and those words over you as the caption, but surprisingly it doesn't.  What hurts is the realisation that people who are a little different, a little outside the norm, create a fear in others who find themselves suddenly challenged and have no idea what to do with the feelings this generates.  It is much easier to throw shit on the person who challenges you, than to take 5 seconds to reflect on just why you are suddenly so provoked in the first place?

I assumed that Swedes were mostly thinking, educated people who were above this sort of thing.  I have believed this for 10 years, but the message boards were shockingly venomous!  If it was so horrible, why did you stayed tuned to the end?  Does it just irritate you to see someone speak their mind with no apologies or does it just piss you off because you wish you had the guts to do the same in your own life, but you simply do not dare to because it is..not swedish? rocks the boat? makes you look like you think you are somebody?

Make no mistake: Jantelagen is your inheritance, not mine.

I assumed that Swedes, who pride themselves on equality, neutrality and a general "live and let live" attitude, can be so passionate and so angry over a colorful singer on a show about dansband.  Jesus, lighten up!

Redirect that passion in to something that actually could be benefited by it instead, such as...oh I don't know, homelessness,  cruelty to children, poverty in the world...there are a billion and one more important things to get bent out of shape about.  I don't recognise myself in this lack of tolerance. Where am I right now? Am I suddenly back in the American south in the 1950's?

Disappointing...and yet interestingly, there is a bright light! 

There were actually 1/3 of the votes who thought I contributed something or were at least open to something new and that obviously was the case in how they voted.  The People wanted the very same bands to go on to the next program and their comments about the bands even matched what I said, yet apparently 70% think I am a pain in the ass. Do we agree or not agree?  I'm confused. Maybe it's just how I said it and because I don't look and sound like you.

Fascinating, whatever the case!

You can be assured though that whatever happens, I will always be me and I will never apologise for it.  Change the channel or stay tuned.  You decide and I don't really care. I have said nothing I can't stand for and I am not interested in forming a perfect doll-like image that is not really me, just so that you do not have to be challenged or upset.  You have enough swedish artists who are prepared to do that for you, but that is not my job.

The night before the show, I slept really badly, maybe 4 hours.  It was cold as hell in my room and I woke up feeling faint, like I was going to throw up.  Both of my boys had had stomach viruses during the week and I thought NOOOO THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!!   but then when I woke up again, I felt fine.
 
My day really didn't get started until kl. 13.30, when I went straight up to makeup  and then conferred with the rest of the jury members.  There was fruit, coffee, cookies and candy there.  I really don't like candy and cookies very much, but 2 bananas, 1/2 of an orange and 4 cups of coffee later I realised that I forgot to eat lunch.  No wonder I was hungry!!  They delivered dinner to us:meatballs, potatoes and salad and meatballs never tasted so good.  I remembered from last year that I hardly ate the day of the performance as well and I wondered to myself if I would lose weight from being on tv.  The guys, Thomas ,Magnus and Melker (our director) ate all of the bad stufff and I could only skake my head at the injustice of the world...

Thomas Ledin was introduced to us sometime during the meeting.  He was exactly as you thought he might be, but more tanned.  Seems like a really lovely person.

So now it's 7pm and I am whisked up to makeup again.  I changed clothes and 10 minutes to 8 we were taken onstage.  The familiar electric feeling in the room gave me an adrenaline kick and I instantly found myself calmed by Gunilla and Kerstins presence right by the stage.  Thank you for being there!!! 

Black Ingvars took the stage.  Played the hell out of their song and afterwards, Peter was supposed to ask me first what I thought, but he forgot and went to Thomas first.  Thomas is a pro, so he didn't stress a muscle and said what he thought.  I was surprised, but rolled with it too.  Live TV is sooo exciting!  There was definitely blood coarsing through my veins, but still, it was well-organised and I felt very secure in my roll and the gig.  Wasn't relaxed, but like I said, secure.

The show seemed to go forward at lightening speed and suddenly Mr. Ledin was by my side and then the very next second, he shook our hands and said goodbye.  Magnus had a ton of cd's he wanted Ledin to sign which I found charming. He even sung like a child after he got them and did a little dance " I got Thomas Ledin's autograph nä nä nä nä nääääää!"  I swear to God I love Magnus!!!  One of the sweetest, funniest, most wonderful guys on the planet!!!

My only thoughts afterwards on how it went for the bands are this:  Essex should have left first, cute singer or not.  Von Hofstenz was young, inexperienced and sounded shaky at best, but had a certain charisma anyway.  Shame was a force to be reckoned with.  They are now and will be for long time if they choose to be.  Personally and not as a judge.  I adore Lars in Shame. He is an amazing person!  And finally, YES!  The right bands went to the next show.  It was a toss up for me on who would get the star or not, but based on performance, they both should have gone to the next show just as they did.  The public is not stupid.

Afterwards, we were whisked away to the pressroom.  We did our interviews and like a punch in the face, all of my energy slid out of my body and I was just a limp, exhausted body with no skeleton.  I looked for Gunilla and didn't find her, so I changed clothes after speaking with Nina and slowly walked across the street to the hotel.  I ran into Stefan from Larz Kristerz and we hugged each other so hard.  I asked how it went on his show and if he made it this week too and he said yes.   I was thrilled for him and listened as he described the evening with so much passion.  He spoke of the soloist he had and how amazing she was and his passion moved me.  I started tearing up as he poured his heart out.  This man does everything with passion and soul and nothing with ego or prestige and my heart just overfloded with appreciation and love for his spirit.  I wiped my eyes and went to the hotel.

It was just after 11pm and Lillen called during his pause.  His gig went well and he poured out his love and support for me.  I started to cry, just to release the pressure valve of stress that was left in my body and Lillen understood and the love in his voice filled me with energy.  I went up to the pub, but there was hardly anybody there.  I ordered a beer, but couldn't drink it.  My stomach started bubbling and I just left the half of the beer on the counter and excused myself from the company I had (guitarist in Black Ingvars) and went right back to my room.

I checked my mail, waited for Lillen to finish his gig and call and then I fell fast asleep.  It was much warmer in the room this time.

Now back to real life.  How nice...  Tastes as good as the meatballs did yesterday.

I got to Strängnäs at 10:31.  One minute late, but still earlier than Magnus and Thomas.  (I hate being late!)  We were to check in to our hotell and meet eack other at 11am in front of the stage.  The stage is gorgeous!  More expensive and well though-out than last year's, though last year's was impressive.  The first person I meet when I walk in is Jan from Date. He gave me the warmest hug (he gives everyone warm, real hugs and I love that about him)!  We chatted about being nervous and changes in the band and then suddenly a very young guy with a humble, yet confident smile came up to me and said, "We haven't met.  My name is Gustav."  He was the sweetest most well-raised guy you could want to meet and then I found out that he was only 16 years old and played bass in Von Hoffstenz.  Now I was crazy impressed with his boldness and social competence and just this one guy made me curious about this young band.  There was next to nothing listed on the internet about them, so I felt least prepared for this band.

At 3 minutes before 11, I arrive in front of the stage and am met with more hugs from the production and Thomas and Magnus come in as well.  We are all in a great mood, well...maybe not Thomas.  He is generally a grumpy old man, but a lovable charming one, so he never brings you down.  I sat down at our new "desk" and received the "black book", the one you write all of your honest comments in for the whole season.  Would be fun to save that I think and wait to see what the future holds for these bands and then reread them sometime.  I wrote the most notes, fearful that I would forget my spontaneaous reactions.  Magnus wrote a little bit and Thomas, nearly nothing at all, which he got insecure about from time to time, but he is not one who needs so much of that.  He knows quickly what he likes and dislikes and can articulate himself well when the time comes.

After lunch, the bands did their bildrep or filming rehearsal, where you have your normal clothes, go through your songs and adjust the sound to your taste.  This took several hours.  Directly after that, there was makeup and then a real rehearsal with clothes and the whole she-bang.

I thought that it would be difficult or scary to get the feel for being a judge and was shocked to feel how effortlessly it went and how comfortable I was with the job, as if i had done it very long time.  Afterwards, I begged Peter Settman, Melker and Kimma for critique but they didn't have any to give.  Just told me I was really good at it, which humbled me and pleased me at the same time.

I felt beautiful in my green, silk dress and got so many compliments.  The color is really gorgeous!

Afterwards, we changed clothes.  Hung out at the bar in the hotel, ordered a beer and just hung out.  The bands are a really exciting mix and I am so pleased to have had some chit chat time with them and hear their goals and dreams and issues.  Fascinating!!

So this morning, I woke up too early after only 5 hours sleep.  I guess I have too much adrenaline to sleep.  I walked sleepily to the restaurant to eat breakfast and it was completely empty, which made me happy because I wasn't in the mood to talk.  I ate my breakast alone and enjoyed the quiet.

Now my hair is in hot rollers.  Wonderful Gunilla bought them for me at a flea market.  It took me an hour to comb out my 175 hair extension after washing it for the 1st time.  What a pain in the ass!...but I'm cute!!

Think I'll make a quick stop into town and buy some pantyhose and maybe something warm to sleep in.  I froze my booty off last night!!!

Next stop:  Makeup at kl. 13:30!

Have spent a large part of the day sitting in a hairdressers chair.  Has been fun. though.  The kids have gotten rid of all of the tartar on their teeth and I have just completed one of two newspaper interviews today.  Pretty doggone productive, if I may say so myself!

My little guy, Jacob, was a little sick yesterday, but is feeling much better today and will be in school tomorrow.  Great news!  My girlfriend got me pretty nervous about the Swineflu earlier in the day, but I was quickly comforted by a nurse when I called about it later last night.

I picked up my dress that I will be wearing on saturday.  Is really unique and beautiful!

Not much else going on otherwise...  Will enjoy the evening with my family the rest of the day.

After laying low a while from blogging, I decided that now would be a great time to start up again.  DBK is only 5 days away and I not only would like to be able to go back and read through all of the wonderful things I am sure to experience along the way and perhaps even you might enjoy reading about my perspective and experiences as well. 

Since the press release went out, I have been very busy doing interviews and getting ready for the show.  There is so much to think about!!!  Clothes and stylists and preparations of all sorts have been under way and I have enjoyed every second of it.  This week is strangely relaxed.  Yesterday, I got fitted for the dress I am wearing for the first program.  It was a little too long, despite being floor length.  It is a gorgeous silk dress with several peacock feathers on it and I feel Oh So Pretty in it.  After getting fitted and pinned up in all the right places, it was off to the lingerie store for new bras.  There are two things in life that I absolutely HATE shopping for and that is jeans and bras!!  I usually wait waaay too long before I buy new ones just because it is absolute torture.  I then buy the basics and just get the hell out of there as soon as I can.   This time was different.  The only place to go in my opinion is Gustav Mellbin in Gamla Stan.  They are professional and really know their stuff, saving you time and energy and in the long run, money.  I found the perfect strapless Wonderbra and will surely have the perkiest boobs ever to grace a television!  HAHA!

Today, I have a telephone radio interview with my darling Thomas Deutgen, a potential lunch meeting and then the rest of the day I will spend sitting in a chair getting hair extensions.  My son Paul has basketball practise in the evening. Tomorrow, the kids will go to the dentist, I will get my new hair extensions cut and there is a quickie phone interview with Dagens Nyheter.  Thursday, parent/teacher meeting with my younger son Jacob and new acrylic nails in the morning.

Of course, with all of this beautifying, there is also the task at hand of research on this week's bands, which I have studied quite a bit during the weekend.  It is a very interesting lineup and I am very keen to hear them live!!

Everyone asks if I am nervous.  Am I?  Not really and I am not so sure why.  Everything feels very natural and under control and I can thank the production for that.  They are terribly well-organised and that gives alot of confidence.

So right now life is extremely normal.  The washing machine is going,  the kids are in school and Lillen is getting his hair cut.  Think I'll go and have my newest breakfast obsession: Fresh tomatoes with lemon pepper and keso.  (I just can't get enough right now!!)